I am recovering from the food poisoning: my strength is better and the stomach pain is manageable. The panic attacks are nearly constant, so my body is constantly in fight or flight mode. The increased stress hormones are very bad for my mood. I am constantly on edge, and part of the stress response is increased sensitivity to light and noise. We evolved this response so that we could survive dangerous situations. I am sure it is useful during actual emergencies, but it is horrible when trying to navigate normal modern life. Two of the people sleeping in this dorm room came in drunk last night and then one of them snored loudly. Because of the panic attacks and increased sensitivity, it was impossible for me to sleep and their actions made me mad. During the entire episode, I was rationally aware of what was happening but it is impossible to “just get over it” when the root cause is not external–it is the hormones in my own body.
My main computer is dead or almost dead. It is a Gateway computer, and I strongly advise against buying a Gateway laptop because it is a piece of shit, and I suggest not buying an Acer if you want to use the warranty because their customer service is terrible. (Acer services Gateway.) This replacement laptop is so slow that as I type the computer displays the letters at least five seconds after I type them. It will be extremely difficult to accomplish much on this computer, but at least I have something.
I have run out of soap and shampoo. I have a little deodorant left. My two pants are dry clean only and they smell of ammonia.
I am worn out. Losing that computer is extremely bad because many of my coping mechanisms and prospects for an income depend on my computer. I don’t have any medicine, I am sick, and now I have lost many of the tools I have been using to survive and try to improve my life.
I have lodging paid through 16 December 2014. This hostel is better than the dangerous shit hole I stayed in on 12 December, but it is not good for my mental health because there are two major things that trigger memories and flashbacks of being locked in detention in the United Kingdom.
I have wanted to be dead for a long time but dying is hard. The human animal is remarkably resilient.
Coping, Death and dying, Panic disorder