Survival status: preparing for goodbye

I don’t want to waste energy on proper organization:

  1. My website started giving errors again. I disabled many of the features because GoDaddy’s servers cannot handle the by website without giving timeout errors. I had to disable to the multi-lingual part of the site, too. One month ago, Google had indexed 44,239 pages of my site it was but now it is 54,793. Nearly half of my traffic is because I publish in foreign languages. Without the foreign languages, my traffic will drop dramatically.
  2. Before I disabled the features, I had made many major improvements to the website. But I had to disabled all of them.
  3. I was not able to fix the advertising problem, so it almost doesn’t matter that my traffic will drop so much. Even though I could have been making enough money each day to pay for my shelter, I couldn’t get the ads to work and despite my many pleas for help, only one person stepped up. Oh, well.
  4. I was talking to someone here about my photography and the art I have wanted to make for man years. She asked to see the art. I have taken over 50,000 pictures in my life, but I have not yet produced one piece of artwork. All of my ideas are stuck in my head or in my notes because I have had to survive–not make art–and because the Illinois government used my photography as a reason to punish me (see the last few minutes of the video). When she asked to see my art, I felt as if Wendy Muchman (of the ARDC) had just pulled my heart of my chest and showed it to my while it was still beating. My depression deepened.
  5. I use many tools to maintain my website, and I was using many other tools to try to fix it. During the process, I discovered two things. First, if Googles “Wendy Muchman”, my website is included in the top ten results. Second, even though Wendy Muchman openly broke the law, including the ethical rules, and even wrote in her notes that she broke the law, she is now teaching ethics at one of the top law schools in the United States: Northwestern University. The legal profession already has too many lawyers who try to “win” at all costs: it is horrible that she will be teaching students that “winning” is more important than knowing or following the law. My depression deepened.
  6. While trying to fix my website, and while migrating content to WordPress, I re-read some of my old writings. I was reminded that when I write about the things that hurt me, I always feel better: the process is healing for me. I realized that there are many topics I have not written about because a side effect of writing about the topics would be that other people’s feelings might get hurt. My dad is probably the best example. I have written about him frequently, but I have never completely explained all of his actions and words that have cut me. Writing about those things would help me heal, but it might hurt his feelings (and maybe his business). Despite the pain he has knowingly caused me, I do not want revenge, and I want to avoid hurting him. There are so many things I have not written about, however, that the pain of holding these burdens is literally killing me: I wish I were dead.
  7. I have a few more things I want to write here, but writing the above points has made me too depressed to keep writing. I might write more, or make a video, later.

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