Reversal of fortune

My symptoms have been very bad, sleeping too much and not eating, for example. Today, I finally got mushrooms. Based on scientific literature, and on non-scientific descriptions of dosages, three hours ago, I ate more than enough fresh mushrooms to experience hallucinations.

But I am not hallucinating. My mood is much better, and most of my symptoms are better, so I almost feel the way I would feel if I were healthy.

I had a similar experience with MDMA. People take MDMA recreationally because they report feeling euphoria. I never felt euphoria or “high” when I took MDMA. At best, I was completely free of symptoms for a few hours on a few occasions.

This is irrefutable proof that a significant part of my symptoms is biological. Two different medicines that almost always produce profound altered consciousness merely cause me to feel free of symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Many people, including my family, have refused to believe that I have a biological medical problem. Instead, they accuse me of having a character defect. With this new information, if a person still believes I have a character defect instead of a biological problem, then that person has a defect.

It is still possible for psilocybin to cure me without hallucinations. The scientific explanations of psilocybin focus on three things: serotonin agonist (MDMA is also an agonist), changes to the default mode network (DMN), and counteracting hyperconnectivity.

Similarly, electroconvulsive therapy seems to work if it successfully modifies the default mode network. I don’t recall reading anything about ECT and neurotransmitters (such as serotonin) or ECT and hyperconnectivity.

I haven’t read anything about MDMA for almost two years, and I can’t remember if I read anything about MDMA and DMN or MDMA and hyperconnectivity. For completeness, MDMA differentiates itself from all other medications and treatments because it is the only agonist of all three major neurotransmitters: serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. While I can’t remember some specifics about MDMA, I do remember concluding that MDMA was an excellent medicine for managing my symptoms but that it would not cure my underlying health issues by itself.

In contrast, for many years, I have believed that ECT has a 15-25% probability of curing my health problems. And, I now believe that psilocybin has at least a 90% probability of curing my health problems.

I have three major obstacles to psilocybin curing me. First, acquiring psilocybin is difficult. If it were July instead of October, I’m told that mushrooms are so abundant that people sell a bag full for only MXN$50. But, right now, I have spent hours walking through pastures and inspecting piles of cow shit but not found anything. This area of Mexico doesn’t have a system of storing and selling mushrooms. One, or possibly two, towns in Mexico do have that system but they are far from here.

Which leads to my second obstacle: my symptoms. Especially without my normal medicines, my symptoms essentially cause me to sleep and spend all of my time avoiding noise and people. It’s difficult to find or buy mushrooms in this state. Traveling to a distant town is nearly impossible.

And the third obstacle underlies all my problems: cash. My symptoms are worse because I can’t buy medicine. I can currently afford to travel to either town, but I would have little money for food after I arrived. I have only found limited information about prices in those other towns, but it seems that I should expect to spend at least US$50 for enough psilocybin to induce a hallucination in a typical person, but if I need larger doses, then the cost could be a few hundred dollars. I don’t have that much money.

Note: spending a few hundred dollars for a cure is a bargain. Once cured, I can work and pay bills and I won’t need to buy expensive medicines: US$150 a month merely to manage my symptoms.

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