A plan that is not a plan

The price of the hostel I was at for the last four days went from about US$8 per night to about $26.50 for tonight and tomorrow night, so I had to move. I am still sick, so moving was not easy or fun. All of the places I know about had similar price increases, so I tried a new lodging. It is, well, let us say it is “humble.” The manager told me that when I sleep at night, I should certainly put my stuff in the storage area behind the reception. I will only stay here for one night but I have not yet figured out where I will next go.

Planning is absurd because nothing in my life is predictable so all plans fail. Furthermore, a plan is a type of attachment, and non-attachment has lowered my stress. So I do not have a plan in the normal sense of the word, but I do have a path.

If I can find a cheap place to stay, I think I have enough money for ten days of food and lodging but no medicine or other expenses. I am out of shampoo and soap and of course I ran out of medicine a long time ago.

There are three major issues that weigh on my mind. My dad used to be one of the issues that bothered me, but writing about him and posting some of his absurd emails helped to reduce the stress his actions have caused me. I believe that if I can do the same thing with these three issues, then I can reduce my emotional and mental stress. If I can reduce my stress, then I have enough money to sleep in a hotel once a week but eat every day. With luck, if my stress is lower, I will be able to handle the additional stress of sleeping outside most nights.

The three issues that I need to unload:

  1. Being locked in “detention” (jail) in the United Kingdom for the “crime” of applying for political asylum
  2. The ARDC’s massive invasion of privacy with the illegal subpoena of everything I did on OkCupid. It was the event that caused my total loss of hope.
  3. Justine: her lies, her abuse, and her betrayal

Especially because I am physically sick, because I do not have any medicine, and because I am dealing with serotonin withdrawal syndrome, there is no way I can write about all of the above issues in only 10 days. I am not sure how much time I need, but 45 days seems reasonable. Each issue would require me to post tons of documents, which takes time, but each issue is emotionally charged so writing and posting will take massive emotional strength. The emotional catharsis is the point, though. It seems that by writing about these things I am able to more easily let go of the stress.

You can help me in two ways. First, I need a little more cash: $8 per day for lodging for the next 45 days at a minimum. Second, I need help processing the documents. Never mind, a few people have volunteered to help me with tasks over the last few years, but the overwhelming majority of the time, nothing comes of it or no one volunteers to help. Asking for this type of help, even though people say that want me to suggest non-financial ways to help me, is soul-crushing: asking for help and having my request be met with silence is painful. The weekly financial help is completely different. Each week, I get a few emails that say, “Your friend sent you $3,” and those emails always make me feel better. OF course, the money is the only reason I can eat food and sleep under a roof, but the regular reminder that a few people care about me is just as valuable–maybe more valuable.

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