Below is a short description of my morning so far. Each day is different but every day has common themes and today highlights some of the more common problems: quick and sudden oscillation between moods; unpredictable reactions; ലക്ഷണങ്ങൾ, especially from PTSD, interfering with normal tasks; physical symptoms; and that some things that trigger my symptoms are absurdly small and innocuous.
I awoke at about 7 am. I was disoriented this morning because last night I didn’t intentionally fall asleep. It seems that at some point last night I fell asleep, probably when I was working last night and I felt overwhelmed so I put my head down on the blanket. This morning, I was laying in an odd position, my computer was open and playing music, and window was closed: all of which are unusual.
I woke up because I was having a nightmare, but it was relatively mild. Despite the nightmare, the odd sleeping arrangement, and my initial disorientation, I had a full 7.5 hours of sleep, which is not typical, and I felt refreshed and had a good mood after I figured out what happened.
I accomplished numerous small tasks on my website, and I even completed a major project I started yesterday. (“Completed” is relative: അത് complete enough for now.)
Once I completed all of the obvious tasks, I had to decide what to work on next. I feel as if my rational mind is quite slow and I feel confused by things that normally wouldn’t confuse me. ഈ ലക്ഷണം വന്നു പോകുന്നു, and I only recently learned that it was connected with my PTSD. ഒരു താരതമ്യത്തിന്, when I woke up two days ago, I was sharp and focused and I was able to perform a somewhat complex analysis using tools that I’ve not used before. This morning, എങ്കിലും, I couldn’t remember the plans I had made last night and I couldn’t figure out what my next step should be. I feel that my rational mind is working at half capacity.
A short time ago, I noticed a dead bug on the floor. I only have one phobia, in the clinical sense, and this bug is my phobia. It was dead. It was small. It was on my floor and I could easily move away from it. When I was healthy, I would have a strong negative reaction to it, but I would be able to manage it. This morning, I jumped up and went to the door to the dorm room. I was paralyzed by indecision. Should I ask the staff to clean it up? If so, should I be in the room or not? Should I ask them to change the sheets and do other housekeeping tasks so that it would be efficient? Should I try to clean it up myself? Each time I made a decision I would take a physical step towards the door or towards the bug and then I would be filled with doubt again and stop and reanalyze everything. After a few minutes of this process, I managed to use some old paper to clean it up and put it in the trash.
I started to work again, and I kept trying to figure out what task I wanted to do next. I did some research and did a few small things. There are flies in my room and they keep landing on me and it greatly annoys me. My incapability to decide what to do, combined with the other stressors, big and small (i.e., flies, dead bug), gave me a horrible stomach ache.
That is when I decided to write this post, and it took me about 15 minutes to write. Interestingly, while writing it, some of my symptoms have improved. My stomach ache is gone, and my anxiety feelings are noticeably lower. My rational mind is still hobbled, though.
ഓരോ ദിവസവും ഓരോ മണിക്കൂർ, ഞാൻ മുകളിൽ ഇവന്റുകളും ലക്ഷണങ്ങൾ വഴി യുദ്ധത്തിന്നു വേണം. ഇല്ല ചുമതല, കാര്യം ഇല്ല എത്ര ബാലിശമായ, ലളിതവും എളുപ്പത്തിൽ ഉറപ്പു ആണ്. ഞാൻ എന്റെ തകർത്തു വൈകാരിക പ്രതികരണങ്ങൾ എന്റെ ഇടയ്ക്കിടെ-സമയത് യുക്തിബോധം മനസ്സിൽ നേരിടാൻ വന്നില്ല എങ്കിൽ, ഞാൻ തീർച്ചയായും എന്റെ ദാരിദ്ര്യം മറ്റു പ്രശ്നങ്ങൾ ഉയരും കഴിഞ്ഞില്ല. എന്നാൽ എന്റെ വികാരങ്ങൾ നിയന്ത്രണത്തിലല്ലാത്ത എന്റെ യുക്തിബോധം മനസ്സ് ചിലപ്പോൾ സഹകരിക്കാൻ വിസമ്മതിക്കുന്ന, അങ്ങനെ ഞാൻ ദാരിദ്ര്യവും മാനസിക രോഗം ഈ കീഴോട്ടു സർപ്പിളമായി തടസ്സപ്പെട്ട ഞാൻ.